Well, I got shook down today. It could have been worse. And of all people, I get to shake me down. It has to be the X-property officer/training officer for new officers. W.T.F.!!!!! At least thats what I’m thinking when she breaks my headphone and because I had two cords spliced together after I just laid them out on the table. It took her thirty minutes to shake down my property.
She went through my stuff with a fine tooth comb. I thought she was going to take all my appliances (radio, headphones, fan and hot pot), because they have been altered in some fashion. But, she gave them back to me. As well as some other stuff, I wasn’t supposed to have. I was surprised! In the end, I walked away pretty good considering who she was. Hurray for me!
For being locked up as long as I have, I tend to dream big. Sometimes, I think I dream about too much I can’t have. Mainly my freedom. But, being locked up forces me to live in my dreams because the realities of prison life can be too much at times. I feel if I cease to dream then I’ll cease to be who I am.
Here it is Friday, and I thought by now I’d get my passover kit by now. The pass over starts for me on the twenty fifth. It’s crazy how our unit chaplin is supposed to encourage religion to the inmates. But, every one that I’ve come across are racist towards other religions but their own. What gives with that? How can we really rehabilitate ourselves if we are short stopped at every corner by a prison system that is supposed to help rehabilitate us?
At sunset today starts the passover. I’ve only started to practice my faith with little understanding of what actually to do. But, as I try to understand the theology of it, I’m trying to come closer to who I am. I know for myself that I need something positive in my life to keep me from falling victim to endless hours of silence and supposed love from those I call friends and family. I can’t lie and say their silence doesn’t hurt. It does! But, I can’t let that dictate my life. I have to move on. So if I can find comfort in my faith, so be it.
It’s crazy, how life works. As I was writing these fie lines, the volunteer that comes to the unit for the services we have on SHABBAT just came to the door and delivered the passover kit I ordered. It consists of two small bottles of grape juices and one box of Matzah. And here I thought that I wouldn’t have any help in celebrating the passover. It makes me really think?
Man, what the FK! These people still don’t have no toothpaste. Or better said, they ran out. They only had seventy-five tubes for a building of four hundred and thirty two inmates. Thats nonsense. I only have a little bit left and i don’t have the ten dollars to buy one off the street. That’s how much they’re going for on the black market. That’s a come up for real. This unit needs toothpaste bad!
Being locked up as long as I have, I got this mentality that its us against them, inmates against prison officers. So when I hear an officer got jump on, I don’t even question it. Today, it happened on two different buildings. As of now they locked down the unit. I’, pretty sure that we will be on lock down for the major lock down. Either way I’m glad to get it over with.
Rumor has it that the unit is going on lock down today. I’m tired of the rumors. They need to go ahead and get it over with. It’s a hassle to get shook down. The unit goes on lock down. Theres no movement for a couple of weeks(?). We eat johnny sack which consist of two sandwiches three times a day. So if you don’t have money to go to the store with, you will lose weight because they will lugg(?) you out for these two weeks. I mainly catch up on my reading on lock down. I also have more time to draw. When I was in Ad-Seg I spent twenty-three hours a day in a single man cell. While doing time like that you learn how to entertain yourself, or you will go mad. So writing, reading, and drawing have become staples in my life.
I’m off of cell restriction today. I’m free! Only in a sense where my cellie and I don’t have to as to what bunk we stay at during count time. Being locked up for so long I understand that between me and my cellie we need some time to ourselves. There are times where I just want to be in the cell by myself. So I know my cellie feels the same way. Being on restriction makes that hard where we have to bend the rules just to get some self time.
It’s crazy that when I was in the free world, I would find my me time in the bathroom. It’s where I did my best thinking, sitting on the toilet. Between the kids and the wife it was the only time I’d find to myself. As I think about it now, It’s like I never left the bathroom. Because, in my cell, I have a toilet and a sink. The cell is just as big but I have a cellie and I have my own bunk to sleep in. Other than that I live in a restroom. Crazy!