Upon having a conversation about religion with another inmate I thought of a few things, in looking back I can now see that my mindset has changed in the last ten years.
I have been told that God loves us no matter what we have done. How can a loving god subject his followers to the torments that plague the human race? The guy that killed all of those young children in that school is a good example. Or how could he let me come home from work one day to find my youngest child dead in the road. In reality I fell that god is like a kid with a magnifying glass and we are ants dealing with the torments of his angst.
I was raised to believe in Jesus, in heaven and hell and even salvation, yet we exist in a world of great horror. It’s like when we finally climb out of a rut, if life we are kicked back down to have to do it all over again. I mean, at this tenure in life I don’t know what to believe and in truth my faith in God is weak.
What religion is right? What religion is wrong? Is there a supreme being or is it all nothing but a sham? There are holier than thou people walking around here preaching the Word yet when they think they’re not being watched, well, then they’re up to all kinds of vices. Really, it irks me to no end.
There is so much crap that goes on behind these walls. Hope wanes, I fear becoming institutionalized, to forget what kindness and compassion are. I am human, I have made mistakes but have had so much torment in life. I am basically all alone now. Who cares? I do! I don’t think that we are here on earth only to suffer, yet this is how it has been most of my life.
Yet I trudge on, for to quit is to be defeated. Somehow, some way I’m going to get through life. I still have some semblance of faith, I strive for freedom, I seek relief from persecution, I look forward to being without pain. I seek my destiny, I am trying to figure out what I need to attain the degree of success that I seek in life. Does God, or a God play a role in this?
Yes I am a prisoner, I am not proud of this fact yet I have accepted this, for now. I will not always be a prisoner though, or will I? It is I believe human nature to condition ourselves to our surroundings. We adapt out of necessity. But we are also like wild animals. Once caged long enough the drive leaves them, the look in our eyes changes. We accept that we are where we are, we lose hope, it is here that we really start to die. Is there any sanctuary from this hell that we call life?
I try to keep my thoughts coherent, to remain idealistic to be human. It is hard here. The worst and best of humanity is here, the game is real. The violence unspeakable and beyond comprehension of society. But they are running out of space here.