As I enter my 13th year incarcerated I continue to flash back to vivid memories of periods of my life. The little things that most people don’t even recognize or consider such as the smell of the fresh summer early morning air filling my lungs as I open my eyes and I remember upon my awakening the thought “thank you lord for another day, a blessed day to enjoy.”
As opposed to now: another bland day of the same frustrations and reflections of a beautiful life longed for which no longer exists but in the fraying dimensions of my memories. How did I get to this place in which my anguish is so immense and continuous? I’ve been in pain so long that I’ve become consumed by a bitter hatred.
It hurts me more to feel this way than the reasons behind why I feel this way.
I need some love, a hug from a loving woman. I long for my beloved wife Linda without whom heaven after this life is not complete, but hell.
Memory — approximately 1976? Mrs. Miller’s kindergarten class, my first time being rejected.
I had the biggest crush on Cammie, we couldn’t be but around 6 years old. She said: Brian. Do you think I’m you’re girlfriend?
I said: Well it’s true you are.
She said: No, I’m not.
I remember just looking away from her. Looking straight forward in disbelief. Flash forward to around 2nd grade, Mrs. Riley’s class, a little girl name Malissa walks up and as I was standing there with mom waiting for I guess Billy or Bruce to come out of Wilson School, Missy walks up and squeezes my cheek and says while looking from me to mom, “He is soo cute!” Wow, I felt like I was floating on air!
Thought: I want to go back and relive these precious moments of innocence before my life turned to purgatory before my eyes. When, where did my life take a horrid turn for the worst? I hate my life and want it to end, so tired of pain, heartache, disappointment and suffering, just want it to fade into oblivion, not awaken again.