Anonymous, 2012

I was arrested December 13th, 1993. Even though it’s been 19 years, the holidays are still rough.

This year there is another element of drama thrown into the mix. A friend I had known since she was about 10 years old, a girl I used to babysit, a friend who was with me the day I asked my wife out on her first date, a girl who was friends of my son’s mother and my son as well… was raped and murdered. Her beaten and broken body left lying in the half frozen creek behind the apartments my son lived in. He found her body when he was 10 years old. It happened in 2003.

Anyway, the guy who did it just got transferred here from another prison and I gotta tell you it’s been tough on me. I’m not normally mean. I can’t even remember wanting to hurt someone. I’ve been in a lot of fights, I stabbed a guy because him and his buddies were jumping me but this was all self-defense or self-preservation. I didn’t plan it, I didn’t enjoy it. But I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve thought a lot about this dude and what I’d like to do to him. He was right above me and he has no idea who I am. I could have walked up beside him and cut his throat with a razor blade. Or hit him in the face with a sock full of rocks. I could have ran in his cell, knocked him out and carved “rapist” on his forehead. I think you get the point but this is out of character for me. I mean fantasizing about hurting someone. I think it’s sick and I think I need help. I mean it’s natural to be upset and to hate him. But the feelings I have, the thoughts in my own mind aren’t natural, at least not the way I grew up.

He was right above me and I’d hear him talking all the time and it was really eating at me. So I talked to five of my friends about it. One of them was afraid I was gonna lose control and chop his head off so they told the counselor about it and they locked me in my cell. They moved me to another unit and now I have to see the shrink every week. Which is cool, I know I need to deal with this shit but I can’t be honest with them. If I told them the thoughts I had or the nightmares, they would bury me on administrative segregation (lock-up).

So right now I’m really struggling with my sanity. I feel selfish for wanting to walk away so I can go home. I know if he and I got into it, it wouldn’t be just a fight. I believe I could kill him for what he did to her. So I’m glad my friend told on me. I’m not sure which one did it but I believe he did it with my future in mind. He did it to get us separated and I gotta admit now that I don’t have to see him every day at chow or hear him talking and laughing like a normal person when I know the truth, I feel a lot better. The move did me good. I still have times I think about him but not 24/7 like I did. I just hope I don’t get put on administrative segregation over it. I’m pushing for an institutional transfer.

On a lighter note, my son just turned 19 years old. He was 38 days old when I was arrested. He graduated from high school a few months ago! I’m so proud of him. He’s an awesome young man. Hard working, honest and dependable. He is turning into a great young man. I can’t tell him how proud I am or how it fills my heart to see him do the right thing.

Anyway, I think I’ve written enough for now. I’ll write in a few days.

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